In the Zen Meditation and Mindfulness for Insight course we use a Koan meditation where we ask the question “Who am I”, I have been practicing this myself along with the other methods offered on the course and I thought I would share some of my diary with you here.
“As I continued counting just the out breath – leaving space to feel on the in breath, this ball of light expanded out again to the whole of the front of the body – I felt completely open and free – heavy as my body sank down but opening out and feeling free through the front of me. I hoped to keep this feeling as I moved on the Koan, but as soon as I did this I heard my daughter singing, then my partner moving, followed by thoughts about my classes, so the answers that came through were: Mother, Partner, Teacher, I had a little bit of a sinking feeling as I remember past feelings of only being a daughter – only being able to be certain things to certain people – but knowing I was much more than that inside – it’s like screaming silently inside as you feel unable to express these deep inner feelings that there is something more, but not having anyone to share that with or talk to about it, because no-one else around you feels that way and if you try to talk they say it’s nonsense. I think I have felt like this all of my life and now being able to share that with others through teaching and having friends that feel the same, I can open up more accept these feelings and enjoy them.”
Tomorrow I start 100 days of Koan practice and I will write down more experiences and share them with you here in my words of wisdom.