Today I was unable to practice my meditation as normal, but I managed to do it in other ways. I practice my meditation every night as well, so last night I sat on my bolster to practice and I had a sudden rush of anxiety and found it very difficult to stay there. I changed positions laying on the bed with my legs up the wall to help me feel more relaxed and continued from there.

Feeling tired and beginning to get cold, I got into bed, hoping that my practice and my attempt at relaxation would help, but I just couldn’t get to sleep, my mind was in overdrive and the anxiety was too much for me to handle, so I went downstairs to watch some TV and try to distract myself. This didn’t work, so by 1am I decided to light my candle and sit and do my meditation practice, I started with a little bit of body scan to help me relax, but once I reached my stomach I found it very difficult to go any further, so I just felt in to the sensations in my body that were trying to tell me something terrible was going to happen and just allowed it all to be there. I then started following my breath and asking my question, just noticing anything that arose, the overriding feeling was that feeling of dread and tension in the belly, but I did find that I started to relax and let go, I found myself dropping off to sleep, my head nodding, so after 20 minutes feeling more relaxed, I was able to go back to bed. I felt pleased that I had been able to deal with this fear, that came out of nowhere, however I didn’t sleep as I now had stomach cramps. Getting up this morning was difficult after only a couple of hours sleep, so when I woke up this morning, I spent 10 minutes laying where I was asking my Koan question before getting up. This might not have been an ideal day for my meditation practice, but it certainly helped me when I needed it.